Today. Today is a big day. The last time I blogged about our infertility struggles we were just digesting the news of IVF being the option on the table. That was almost exactly one year ago. We didn’t want to rush it, we wanted to let ourselves heal a little emotionally from the toll two years of TCC takes on a person, and on a marriage. We needed some time, so we took it. 

So we gave ourselves a break, we prayed, we cried, we got mad, we grieved the loss of normalcy in this process, we regrouped, we traveled, we considered other options, we talked, we worked extra hard, we saved money,  we prayed and hoped we wouldn’t have to do it, then prayed for the peace to walk forward in it if we needed to. This last year has been so many things. Mostly it has been a year of being stretched, a year of patience,  a year of learning to lean in and trust God when our world felt like it was bending in the wind. But, tonight I give myself my first shots. Tonight is Day 1, round 1, IT’S HAPPENING. IVF is starting. I can hardly believe it’s here. I feel hopeful, I feel excitement, I feel scared, I feel exposed, I feel peace. And sometimes I still feel anger and bitterness that we have to do it this way. It’s raw, it’s emotional, and it’s OUR story. I want to own it. I want to feel it all. And I know beyond all doubt that whatever the outcome of this cycle, it’s getting us one step closer to our babies.  To our dream of meeting the one (s) who have felt missing for the past three years. Oh how my heart aches and swells at the thought of meeting them soon. Ultimately it may be another road that leads us to our children. Who are we to say. But this one feels important, this one feels sacred. We are ready. We are doing this.

HERE. WE. GO.

 

Wow. Has it really been 7 months since I have posted on here? For the VERY few of you who follow, I am still here! I have chosen not to tell anyone I really know about this blog yet, because I’m not sure what I want to do with it or the direction it will take. Also, it’s a lot easier to share about your infertility journey to anbiguois strangers on the internet than real life friends. But maybe that will change soon. I’m find more freedom and healing in sharing our story than I ever thought possible. I am so thankful for those of your that have come along side me in this journey. Mostly I am thankful for my Husband who never looses heart, and has been the perfect, most calm, and steady arm to lean on (and cry into on occasion). I love you babe.

I have been journalling about our journey over the past months, and honestly that is about all I have had the mental capacity to do. It. has. been. hard. To give you the short and sweet version: We tried pills, then we tried injections and procedures.  Months and more tests later, we uncovered a few more medical issues, and IVF is up next. This is what lies before us if we want to keep perusing this dream of becoming parents.  That one was hard to swallow. When the Dr. came back in the room and said “I think IVF is our best option at this point” I was stunned. I was confused. But we are young, but it wasn’t supposed to be this hard. But IVF is the last resort, how did we get here so fast? How can I be so broken? How is this fair? I have to pay over $30k to get my baby and I know 7 people who are pregnant and didn’t ever TRY!?!?! Those were just a few of the many irrational and raw thoughts running through my mind.  As all the information sunk in, one thing was clear. I needed a break. WE needed a break. I felt lost and overwhelmed and consumed by this journey. I needed time to just be a wife again. I needed to get back on track and reorganize my thoughts and heart.  So back In June, when we got this news, we made a decision to take a break from all the fertility treatments until the new year.  Right now we are possibly going to go ahead with round 1 of IVF in February/March.  We know this is an awesome opportunity and we have hope and faith it will work for us. I have started to see this next step ahead as a blessing and as a torch of hope.  There are hard days, there are really hard days, and there are moments I get scared of the horror stories and failed attempts at IVF and I don’t even want to want this anymore. But mostly I am growing at lot. I am beginning to really believe that this journey was meant for me for a reason. That something is being formed in me though all the waiting. This verse has really been on my heart..

“For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun!  Don’t you see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland” – Isaiah 43:19

I am beginning to live in the moment and be more present in my life than ever before. I am learning that infertility isn’t the end of our story but a part of it, and that I can still be engaged in my life RIGHT NOW.  I can feel God working my heart into something new in him. I am learning to be thankful for hard times, for my broken body, and for what is in my hands to hold TODAY. I am learning to be kind and compassionate, and to not judge or be consumed with jealousy. But most of all, I am learning and believing that thankfulness brings joy, and that I certainly have a lot to be thankful for, and that I have a LOT of Joy in my life right now too.

xoxo,

Rose