Our Road To Baby // Post 4

Today. Today is a big day. The last time I blogged about our infertility struggles we were just digesting the news of IVF being the option on the table. That was almost exactly one year ago. We didn’t want to rush it, we wanted to let ourselves heal a little emotionally from the toll two years of TCC takes on a person, and on a marriage. We needed some time, so we took it. ocean-29.jpg

So we gave ourselves a break, we prayed, we cried, we got mad, we grieved the loss of normalcy in this process, we regrouped, we traveled, we considered other options, we talked, we worked extra hard, we saved money,  we prayed and hoped we wouldn’t have to do it, then prayed for the peace to walk forward in it if we needed to. This last year has been so many things. Mostly it has been a year of being stretched, a year of patience,  a year of learning to lean in and trust God when our world felt like it was bending in the wind. But, tonight I give myself my first shots. Tonight is Day 1, round 1, IT’S HAPPENING. IVF is starting. I can hardly believe it’s here. ocean-15.jpgI feel hopeful, I feel excitement, I feel scared, I feel exposed, I feel peace. And sometimes I still feel anger and bitterness that we have to do it this way. It’s raw, it’s emotional, and it’s OUR story. I want to own it. I want to feel it all. And I know beyond all doubt that whatever the outcome of this cycle, it’s getting us one step closer to our babies.  To our dream of meeting the one (s) who have felt missing for the past three years. Oh how my heart aches and swells at the thought of meeting them soon. Ultimately it may be another road that leads us to our children. Who are we to say. But this one feels important, this one feels sacred. We are ready. We are doing this. ocean-18.jpg

HERE. WE. GO.

 

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Our Road to Baby // Post 3

Wow. Has it really been 7 months since I have posted on here? For the VERY few of you who follow, I am still here! I have chosen not to tell anyone I really know about this blog yet, because I’m not sure what I want to do with it or the direction it will take. Also, it’s a lot easier to share about your infertility journey to anbiguois strangers on the internet than real life friends. But maybe that will change soon. I’m find more freedom and healing in sharing our story than I ever thought possible. I am so thankful for those of your that have come along side me in this journey. Mostly I am thankful for my Husband who never looses heart, and has been the perfect, most calm, and steady arm to lean on (and cry into on occasion). I love you babe.

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I have been journalling about our journey over the past months, and honestly that is about all I have had the mental capacity to do. It. has. been. hard. To give you the short and sweet version: We tried pills, then we tried injections and procedures.  Months and more tests later, we uncovered a few more medical issues, and IVF is up next. This is what lies before us if we want to keep perusing this dream of becoming parents.  That one was hard to swallow. When the Dr. came back in the room and said “I think IVF is our best option at this point” I was stunned. I was confused. But we are young, but it wasn’t supposed to be this hard. But IVF is the last resort, how did we get here so fast? How can I be so broken? How is this fair? I have to pay over $30k to get my baby and I know 7 people who are pregnant and didn’t ever TRY!?!?! Those were just a few of the many irrational and raw thoughts running through my mind.  As all the information sunk in, one thing was clear. I needed a break. WE needed a break. I felt lost and overwhelmed and consumed by this journey. I needed time to just be a wife again. I needed to get back on track and reorganize my thoughts and heart.  So back In June, when we got this news, we made a decision to take a break from all the fertility treatments until the new year.  Right now we are possibly going to go ahead with round 1 of IVF in February/March.  We know this is an awesome opportunity and we have hope and faith it will work for us. I have started to see this next step ahead as a blessing and as a torch of hope.  There are hard days, there are really hard days, and there are moments I get scared of the horror stories and failed attempts at IVF and I don’t even want to want this anymore. But mostly I am growing at lot. I am beginning to really believe that this journey was meant for me for a reason. That something is being formed in me though all the waiting. This verse has really been on my heart..

“For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun!  Don’t you see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland” – Isaiah 43:19

I am beginning to live in the moment and be more present in my life than ever before. I am learning that infertility isn’t the end of our story but a part of it, and that I can still be engaged in my life RIGHT NOW.  I can feel God working my heart into something new in him. I am learning to be thankful for hard times, for my broken body, and for what is in my hands to hold TODAY. I am learning to be kind and compassionate, and to not judge or be consumed with jealousy. But most of all, I am learning and believing that thankfulness brings joy, and that I certainly have a lot to be thankful for, and that I have a LOT of Joy in my life right now too.

xoxo,

Rose

Our Road to Baby // Post 2

We recently took a trip to Seaside, Oregon and I wanted to share some photos.  It was such a nice relaxing and rejuvinating time for us. The ocean always seems to calm my soul. 2015-02-25_0002

A few months back I posted about some of the personal struggles of trying to get pregnant over the last year. (after saying this blog was all about fun and style ha!)  I finally feel like there is some hope and a plan of action.  After going through many Dr.s to figure out what might be the problem, we have recently found a great RE to help with infertility diagnosis.

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They have concluded I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which in short means I ovulate sporadically and not even at all most months (anovulary cycles).  We now have a plan to help induce ovulation and move along our journey to starting a family.  It may not be an immediate answer but I am relived we have found a great group of Dr.s (can’t say enough good things about SRM) and have a plan for next few months. PCOS is a very common cause of infertility and there are lots of options to help along the way.  I am so thankful for the support of an amazing husband who is believing along with me for our soon-to-be family.

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If you are also going though infertility, know you have a friend in me. I’d love to hear your stories and learn where you are at in your journey to conception.  Please share in the comments below. ❤

xoxo,

Rose

Welcome 2015!

I feel like I’ve been waiting for this year to get here.  I have a good feeling about this one. (plus I really love odd numbers, anyone with me?)  2015, I am ready for you. Bring it on!

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Here’s to seeing dreams and goals come to life over the next 12 months. Below are a few of mine. I won’t call them resolutions, but things I will always be hoping for and working towards.

1. Spending more time with actual people and less time on “social” media, be more REAL, be more PRESENT.

2. To love people more, my things and plans less.

3. For self control, i.e. eat more greens and less Taco Bell.  (just keeping it real)

4. To be JOYFUL in all things.

5. Become a Mother. ❤

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What are some of your hopes and dreams for 2015?  I’d love to hear in the comments bellow.

xoxo,

Rose

Our Road to Baby // Post One

We finally got snow. Finally.  As I sit and type by the window, I was remembering an epic forest atop a mountain I was on a few years ago , and I was actually able to find the photo.  I love the greatness of it.  It reminds me there something bigger and grander than what I am currently feeling.  I think I mentioned before that my Husband and I have been trying to get pregnant.  I also claimed this blog would be about style, fun, and fashion and not become a ‘Mommy Blog’.  Well I lied.  I’m going to put a little realness in it right now.  Can I be honest for a minute?  Today I am struggling.  Today I am feeling angry, and jealous, and frustrated.  

Today was yet another negative pregnancy test.  The problem with irregular cycles is you never know if you are late, skipping a cycle, or if hormones are just raging all on their own, all the while being ever tempted to believe that said hormonal symptoms might be because there is new life beginning.  It is straight up agonizing. I want anyone else to know who is struggling, I understand it is a lonely and hard road.  It’s okay to be angry about it sometimes, It’s okay to cry and to scream if you need to.  Today I am feeling tired and emotionally exhausted, that being said, I do have hope. I always have hope, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have these low kind of days.  I wish I didn’t, but I do.  I often get the “Oh enjoy this time without kids” speech. Or, “It will happen soon enough, be thankful”  Can I just say, I am thankful, and I am waiting and trusting the Lord, but I am also feeling sick with the desire to see this hope fulfilled.  And I think it’s okay to admit that to myself and to you.  I don’t think there is a way to fully describe the desire to become to be a part of something so special and precious.  But I found this quote by C.S. Lewis that I think sums it up perfectly.

“We do not want to merely “see” beauty–though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words–to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it.” 

I am hoping and praying that I and others who are walking the same path, can become apart of one of our hearts biggest desires in 2015, whether that be getting pregnant, getting married, being healed, or finally catching a break.  I also want anyone who is struggling to know you are not alone.  I would love if you sent an email or left a comment to connect!

xoxo,

Rose