We finally got snow. Finally. As I sit and type by the window, I was remembering an epic forest atop a mountain I was on a few years ago , and I was actually able to find the photo. I love the greatness of it. It reminds me there something bigger and grander than what I am currently feeling. I think I mentioned before that my Husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. I also claimed this blog would be about style, fun, and fashion and not become a ‘Mommy Blog’. Well I lied. I’m going to put a little realness in it right now. Can I be honest for a minute? Today I am struggling. Today I am feeling angry, and jealous, and frustrated.
Today was yet another negative pregnancy test. The problem with irregular cycles is you never know if you are late, skipping a cycle, or if hormones are just raging all on their own, all the while being ever tempted to believe that said hormonal symptoms might be because there is new life beginning. It is straight up agonizing. I want anyone else to know who is struggling, I understand it is a lonely and hard road. It’s okay to be angry about it sometimes, It’s okay to cry and to scream if you need to. Today I am feeling tired and emotionally exhausted, that being said, I do have hope. I always have hope, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have these low kind of days. I wish I didn’t, but I do. I often get the “Oh enjoy this time without kids” speech. Or, “It will happen soon enough, be thankful” Can I just say, I am thankful, and I am waiting and trusting the Lord, but I am also feeling sick with the desire to see this hope fulfilled. And I think it’s okay to admit that to myself and to you. I don’t think there is a way to fully describe the desire to become to be a part of something so special and precious. But I found this quote by C.S. Lewis that I think sums it up perfectly.
“We do not want to merely “see” beauty–though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words–to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it.”
I am hoping and praying that I and others who are walking the same path, can become apart of one of our hearts biggest desires in 2015, whether that be getting pregnant, getting married, being healed, or finally catching a break. I also want anyone who is struggling to know you are not alone. I would love if you sent an email or left a comment to connect!